


Funky Fresh and Family Friendly

by ghostphone



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Asexual Jonathan Sims, Despite the title it is not family friendly, Everybody is wildly out of character, Everyone lives/ nobody dies, Inappropriate use of fireworks, Jon and Georgie have shared custody of The Admiral, M/M, Monopoly Tuesday, No beta we kayak like Tim, Weirdly Tim centric I didn’t mean for it to be he just talks a lot, canon typical worms, chaos bisexual Tim stoker, im just here to have a good time, just so y’all understand that, lots of board game based humor?, maybe background timsasha haven’t decided, more will be added as i go, mostly because of the foul mouths on these little gentlemen, sorry it’s kinda Americanized I’m trying my best, speedrunning Jon's character development, the way they talk is very much influenced by mbmbam, very funny and cool
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:35:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 11,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27596254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostphone/pseuds/ghostphone
Summary: Timothy Stoker named the chat: Funky Fresh and Family FriendlyTimothy Stoker: ew this is so formal and grossTimothy Stoker has changed his nickname to penismanSasha James: you put family friendly in the chat name and the first thing you did was change your name to penisman?penisman: oh shit you rightTimothy Stoker has changed his nickname to p*nisman
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 248
Kudos: 448





	1. The Chronicles of Homophobia Jon

**Author's Note:**

> What’s up hoes I hope you enjoy

Timothy stoker added Sasha James to the chat  
Timothy Stoker added Martin Blackwood to the chat  
Timothy Stoker named the chat: Funky Fresh and Family Friendly

Timothy Stoker: ew this is so formal and gross 

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to penisman 

Sasha James: you put family friendly in the chat name and the first thing you did was change your name to penisman?

penisman: oh shit you right

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to p*nisman

p*nisman: dw guys it stands for penisman 

Martin Blackwood: p*nisman stands for penisman, huh? 

p*nisman: wait shit  
p*nisman: but like a pen you write with. Pen is man  
p*nisman: changing yalls names now. Full names make me feel like I’m in trouble 

Timothy Stoker has changed Sasha James’s nickname to Antipope

Antipope: what does this mean??? How is that the first thing that came to mind

Martin Blackwood: I mean. You aren’t very Pope.. adjacent?

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Shrimp colors 

Shrimp colors: ?????

Antipope: see? 

P*nisman: you guys aren’t exactly giving me a lot to work with here ok? Working off of my own unfiltered genius 

Shrimp colors: not that I’m not enjoying your “unfiltered genius” right now but why did you make this chat

p*nisman: Bored ❤️

Antipope: why don’t you do your work king 

P*nisman: I’m too sexy and good at my job so I am taking a well deserved sit in the archives and wait until J*nathan wanders in 

Shrimp colors: why did you feel the need to censor Jon’s name

P*nisman: he’s homophobic 

Antipope: ?????

P*nisman: THINK ABOUT IT

p*nisman: he’s like. Way more mean to Martin I’m just saying. It’s cause he’s homophobic 

Shrimp colors: Jon is NOT homophobic 

P*nisman: what straight explanation is there

Antipope: I think he just doesn’t value martins... attitude? 

P*nisman: yeah his gay attitude 

Antipope: LMAO

Shrimp colors: Tim you’re the most bisexual person I’ve ever met 

P*nisman: yeah but in his archivist brain I’m in hereto love with straight Sasha 

Antipope: straight Sasha huh

shrimp colors: hereto love wins I guess

Antipope: still, I feel like your homophobic Jon theory doesn’t hold up. I think he just has a personal vendetta against Martin because he holds too much kindness in his heart and Jon envies it

P*nisman: hold on Jon incoming 

P*nisman: panicked

P*nisman: he came up behind me and i said “what’s up slut” 

P*nisman: remember me 

Shrimp colors: you really need to work on your brain to mouth filter 

P*nisman: ok not fired just scolded 

P*nisman: “that kind of language is not appropriate in the workplace, and is especially not something to call your superior”

P*nisman: suck my Johnson

Antipope: suck my jonathan if you will

P*nisman: NICE, UP TOP 

Antipope: Although I can’t think of many people who would WANT to suck his jonathan 

Shrimp colors: I am beginning to grow weary of this conversation, fellas

P*nisman: I have a hunch about one 

Antipope: oh cmon 

Antipope: yes haha funny Martin wants to fuck Jon 

Antipope: Martin gets all uncomfortable about it for the rest of the day if you push it too hard and I am NOT risking game night for this

Shrimp colors: yeah Tim you wouldn’t wanna ruin game night would you 

P*nisman: no comment. However SPEAKING of game night 

Antipope: here it comes 

P*nisman: every third week is monopoly Tuesday and we learned our lesson about monopoly Tuesday. But I had an idea 

Shrimp colors: I thought we agreed to veto monopoly Tuesday so there are no more casualties 

Antipope: we did indeed do that

P*nisman: would you guys REALLY give up monopoly Tuesday because of one broken finger 

Shrimp colors: YES??

Antipope: it seems like a pretty good reason to me

P*nisman: well it was my finger so it’s my decision and I have come up with a better idea that lets us keep monopoly Tuesday 

Shrimp colors: you’re on thin ice Tim 

P*nisman: three is an unlucky number. AND it’s a boring number of players for monopoly. Solution?

P*nisman: we are inviting J*nathan to monopoly Tuesday 

Antipope: WE??

Shrimp colors: this seems like the kind of thing we should vote on 

P*nisman: yes but I know you well enough to know which thing you would vote for Marto 

Shrimp colors: eat shit


	2. Wtf gay little Martin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> everyone is wildly out of character <3 at any moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s so many formatting errors constantly just don’t worry about it

P*nisman: ok act natural adding Jon to the chat 

Shrimp colors: Some name changes are in order please and thank you 

P*nisman: do it yourself I don’t have exclusive name abilities

Antipope: yeah but we don’t have your   
Antipope: what did you call it?  
Antipope: natural gift?

Shrimp colors: unfiltered genius I believe he said 

P*nisman: yeah fair enough hold on

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Wtf Gay little Martin 

Wtf Gay little Martin: absolutely not

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s name to Gay Martin

P*nisman: better?

Gay Martin: I am taking matters into my own hands, you cannot be trusted 

Martin Blackwood has changed his nickname to Martin 

P*nisman: I bet you would have been just fine with “wtf gay little Martin” if Jon wasn’t about to be here 

Martin: oh forgive me for not wanting my boss, who already hates me, to see “wtf gay little Martin” next to all my messages 

Antipope: *big fancy archivist voice* I think that’s hardly appropriate 

P*nisman: haha yeah ok fair 

Timothy Stoker has changed his name to Sweet Timothy

Sweet Timothy: Sasha your turn 

Antipope: I feel like just Sasha will do 

Timothy Stoker has changed Sasha James nickname to Just Sasha 

Just Sasha: ok I was asking for it 

Martin: you really were 

Sweet Timothy: are you sure I can’t make yours more fun  
Sweet Timothy: how do we feel about lil m 

Martin: feeling absolutely terrible about it actually 

Sweet Timothy: fine 

Timothy Stoker has added Jonathan Sims to the chat 

Sweet Timothy: hey boss man  
Sweet Timothy: big J Sims   
Sweet Timothy: homophobic Jon [this message has been removed by sender]

Jonathan Sims: hello Tim, Sasha   
Jonathan Sims: Martin. 

Just Sasha: heyo!

Martin: hello, Jon! Sorry to disturb 

Jonathan Sims: I presume you have a reason for messaging me during working hours? 

Sweet Timothy: yeah hold on 

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Jomn 

Jomn: how did you do that. Please change it back immediately 

Martin Blackwood has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Jonathan Sims

Sweet Timothy: Martin you know how much I hate full names it makes me feel like I’m in trouble 

Jonathan Sims: don’t be careful and you might be.

Sasha James has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Jon

Just Sasha: see? Compromise :)

Jon: thank you Sasha

Sweet Timothy: so anyways as I was saying   
Sweet Timothy: today is monopoly Tuesday. 7:45. My house, you in?

Jon: I’m not so sure. 

Just Sasha: Tim you have to be more convincing about it!!

Just Sasha: red wine. Tea. Chinese takeaway. Monopoly. How are we feeling 

Sweet Timothy: not too much wine tho don’t worry  
Sweet Timothy: We have banned more than one bottle per monopoly as things tend to go haywire fairly quickly   
Sweet Timothy: pleasaseeee 

Just Sasha: I think you would like it! 

Jon: I’ll think about it, but no promises.   
Jon: Martin, you’ve been awfully quiet. Are you alright with me coming along? If I do at all, that is.

Martin: oh, yes! Absolutely. I think it would be nice.  
Martin: just thought it would be best to be quiet since  
Martin: well I didn’t think me being there would be too much of a plus for you haha,, so I stayed out of it

Jon: I apologize that I gave off that impression. Now I should be getting back to work, as should you. 

Sweet Timothy: yes, that! Archiving and whatnot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys- thank you SO much for all the feedback, it really made my day. Sorry I’m gonna be posting like. Annoyingly frequently but I’m promising not to post twice in one day


	3. monopoly tuesday has arrived at last

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all understand how upset I am that this is being posted on a wednesday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if the formatting is weird! Posting on my computer

Just Sasha: Jon what do you want 

Jon: ?

Sweet Timothy: takeaway, what do you want 

Jon: ah   
Jon: I wont be having anything, I think I’ll be staying home 

Just Sasha: oh come on Jonathan it’s monopoly Tuesday 

Sweet Timothy: YEAH ITS MONOPOLY TUESDAY   
Sweet Timothy: come on you gotta come or Martin will be sad 

Martin: don’t drag me into this!!  
Martin: Jon doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want to 

Just Sasha: shhh Martin you’re sad 

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Sad Martin 

Jon: do you actually want me to come?

Sad Martin: well we didn’t go through all the trouble just to be polite haha

Jon: I suppose that’s fair. 

Just Sasha: IS THAT A YES ARE WE GETTING A JONATHAN YES 

Jon: send me your address. 

Sweet Timothy: YEAHHHHHHHH FUCK YEAH  
Sweet Timothy: you won’t regret it 

[12:34 AM]

Jon: I do in fact regret it a little bit 

Sweet Timothy: you do not deserve this title 

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Monopoly Martin 

Monopoly Martin: HOW DO I NOT DESERVE IT I WON

Just Sasha: you and Jon are dirty dirty monopoly cheaters 

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Dirty Jon

Dirty Jon: change it back right now  
Dirty Jon: anyways it wasn’t cheating it was perfectly fine in the rules 

Sasha James has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to capitalist Jon 

Martin Blackwood has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Monopoly Jon 

Sweet Timothy: he can’t be monopoly Jon you’re monopoly Martin 

Just Sasha: only he who wins can gain the title 

Monopoly Martin: he’s allowed to be monopoly Jon   
Monopoly Martin: and I’m monopoly Martin so I say so 

Monopoly Jon: suck it 

Sweet Timothy: oh why don’t you go get monopoly married you fucking cheaters

Monopoly Jon: IT WAS NOT CHEATING NOBODY CHEATED 

Just Sasha: you guys were giving each other monopolies the whole game I should have been more suspicious 

Sweet Timothy: AND THEN WHEN I RIGHTFULLY BANKRUPT JON   
Sweet Timothy: RIGHTFULLY  
Sweet Timothy: MARTIN BAILED HIM OUT 

Just Sasha: it was sickening 

Monopoly Martin: maybe I jsut did it out of the kindness of my heart 

Just Sasha: YEAH BUT YOU DIDNT BECAUSE THEN!! JON JUST GAVE YOU ALL HIS PROPERTIES AND COMMITTED MONOPOLY SUICIDE 

Monopoly Jon: I was simply repaying my debts 

Sweet Timothy: YOU GUYS WERE TOTALLY CONSPIRING 

Monopoly Martin: we were not 

Monopoly Jon: yes we were 

Just Sasha: SEE???

Monopoly Jon: but it was NOT cheating 

Monopoly Martin: we had a monopoly alliance 

Sweet Timothy: Sasha do you know what this means 

Just Sasha: next monopoly Tuesday you guys are FUCKED 

Sweet Tuesday: absolutely fucked 

Monopoly Jon: as much as I’d love to hear about it, I best be getting to bed. We have work tomorrow, if you’ll recall

Just Sasha: oh don’t go back into boss Jon nobody likes boss Jon 

Monopoly Jon: lol   
Monopoly Jon: goodnight 

Monopoly Martin: goodnight :)

Sweet Timothy: DID HE JUST LOL   
Sweet Timothy: EW!! DONT 

Just Sasha: I am personally in charge of making sure this does not happen again ever   
Just Sasha: but we do have work tomorrow. Goodnight 

Sweet Timothy: goodnight folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> archivists in the game night what will they play


	4. Michael makes an entrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> looks like our favorite distortion hell being has stopped by for a visit!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you got the chapter title reference, no you didn't
> 
> edit: added subtitles kinda for Michael in case some of you had trouble reading it!

Sweet Timothy: I’ve just discovered if you connect to the archives WiFi Elias has it to where you can’t curse watch  
Sweet Timothy: ****

Monopoly Martin: oh wow 

Just Sasha: penis  
Just Sasha: didn’t work for me

Monopoly Jon: make sure your data is turned off  
Monopoly Jon: it does indeed have a censoring function, though I don’t know why you were finding that out at 9:53 am on a Tuesday 

Sweet Timothy: sometimes a mans gotta talk about ****  
Sweet Timothy: haha 

Just Sasha: *****  
Just Sasha: oh my god 

Sweet Timothy: I am going to go to great lengths to attempt to bypass the filters

Monopoly Martin: why???

Sweet Timothy: it’s like a challenge  
Sweet Timothy: *****  
Sweet Timothy: fuck he’s good 

Just Sasha: last one to get it to say ***** buys lunch

Monopoly Martin: I don’t even know what you guys are trying to say???

Monopoly Jon: Please get back to work

Sweet Timothy: *****  
Sweet Timothy: * * * * *

Just Sasha: ******

Monopoly Martin: wow this is thrilling to watch 

Just Sasha: *****  
Just Sasha: Pemis 

Sweet timothy: PEMIS!!!

Monopoly Martin: have you guys literally just been typing variations of the word ***** the whole time?  
Monopoly Martin: very mature 

Just Sasha: stop trying to impress Jon by calling us immature youre jusy upset you didn’t come up with pemis 

Monopoly Martin: oh shut up I am not

Monopoly Jon: for the record, it is appreciated. 

Just Sasha: hey guys????? 

Sweet Timothy: ya 

Just Sasha: it seems we have a situation in the archives 

Monopoly Martin: oh no 

Monopoly Jon: what kind of situation? I’ll be there in a moment 

Sweet Timothy: like scale of dog in the archives to its on fire what kind of situation 

Just Sasha: like a there is a door that was not there before out of ten

Monopoly Martin: please stop bringing up the dog thing I said I was sorry 

Monopoly Jon: do NOT go in the door. I’m going to come see whats happening and then we will notify Elias 

Sweet Timothy: on god do not tell Elias he will only make this worse 

Just Sasha: I’m going in it 

Monopoly Martin: SASHA DONT 

Monopoly Jon: don’t you dare go into the magic hell door Sasha James or so help me 

Sweet Timothy: oh my god Sasha 

Just Sasha: [chat error]  
Just Sasha: 0101000001100101011011010110100101110011

Monopoly Jon: what the fuck 

Just Sasha: Ȃ̴̡͕̳̮͖̐̆̀̓̈́̅̉̃̐̚r̴̦̓̿ĉ̸̢̧̫̪̦͍̞̹̝͖̤̞̮̟̇͗̽̈́͊̈́̒̀̾̈́̉̚͠h̶̖͍̄̐̆̎̎͛i̴͙̒͛̉͒̅͊̎͐̍̍ṿ̶̧̭͓̱̗̗͙̮̫̬̺͕̖͙̂̿̚i̵̩̣̟͓͖͓̹̘̯̅͜ͅs̷̛͚͈̤̮͚̏͒̀͋́t̶̢̛̩͖̫͚͙̪͙̲̥̟̹̞̝͔̒̃͘͘͝ ̶̨̺͓̪̆͆̐̔̾̄̚ͅ (archivist)

Monopoly Martin: I DONT LIKE THIS

Just Sasha: N̴͔̪̞̈̌̾̈̌̑͛̌̍̌̂ͅǫ̵̡͇̹͈̻̠̹̟͚͓̗͖̩̙̈́̾̎͗̇̅̃,̴̦̊̄̋ ̸̨̑͝ţ̸̣͓͙͂̋͐̏̂́͂̌͋̌̚̚h̵͕̲͖̹̰̲̹͔̲̰͔̽̏̂͂̊͗̈͑̋̍͊͋͘i̴̢̧͙̗̖̙͎͖͖̭̗̥̗̟̍̾̂͗̾͂̈́̚͝͝s̷̥͖̹̺̟̪̝͉̞͑̐ ̶̨̛̫̦̘̰̼̟̥̙͇̖̦̞͈͂̅̈̓̽̏̃͂͂̒̕͝ẉ̴̧̭́̓̾̄̒̔͝o̸͚̽͛͆̾̑̈́̉́͛͛̑͐̈́͝n̶͎̎́̒͊̈́̈́͆́͗ͅ’̶̡̛̛͖͕͚̠̬͚̘̄̈́̆̉̀͝ͅț̸̛͕̠̟͈̯̝̮̖̯̻̯̮͓̆͆̂͜͝ ̴̨̢̨̞͔͍͕̹̩͔͌̇̍d̸̨̰͈͙̱̤͍̱͍̺͚̩͌̏̉͐̽̿͑͐́͆̇̆́̚ơ̷̼̗̦̒̈́̿̿̐̈́̾̇͝ (no, this wont do)

Sweet Timothy: who are you and what did you do with Sasha??

Sasha James has changed her name to M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝ (michael)

Monopoly Jon: Michael from sashas statements?

M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝: I̷̡̯̻͚̫̤͓̎ ̶̱͚̰͎̩̜̜̬͙̮͓̬̜̱͎̇̕͝ş̷̩̰̠̻̅̊͊̄͜u̴͔̯̥̳̟̘̝̬͉̭͇̔͗̓͐̽̽̾̈́͑p̵̛̥̼̦͎͖͙̘̳̯̯̠̬̝͖̫̏̆̾̾̒̓͆̾͘͝͠p̴̢̛͚̪̰͙̲̣̻̠̝̄̈́̏̊̈́͌̈́̔̂̄̐ŏ̵̜̝̹̲̯̦̩̣̯̟͎͉̈͛͑̅͗̽͛̈̂̋͘͜͜͝s̷̘̯̼͚̘̞̜̳̦̄͌̓͌̐͒̓͗̐̚ͅͅe̵̩̭̖͕͂̍̉͌͛͐̇͆̇ ̴̢̨̖͚̩̼͖͉̪̝̫̤͔̝̱̍͌̂̾͒̒̈̇̽̚͠s̸̡͍̮̙̟̝͈͓̈́͆̒͊́͐̄̈́̃͗̓̌͂͠o̷̘͚̮̣̮̻̥̗̬͖̽̓͆͐͜͝ (Michael: I suppose so)

Monopoly Martin: don’t hurt her. 

M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝: I̶̧̫͕̤̜͎̲̥̭̝̞̪̺͍͌̓͋̎͑͑͛̎̚̕͝ͅ ̵̢̬̫̪̖̹̙̰͎͈̖̝͋͆͛̐̈̈́͗̓͘ͅd̶̛̳̟̫͚̩͓̥̪̩͇̙͗̇̎̔͒͜o̸̡̮̟̮̰̜̻͖̞̞̗̻̹̭̔͒̄ͅ ̵̡̡̢̛̘̪̥͈͖̖n̶̟̈̔ő̵̢̢̘͉͍̼͙̦̩̬̠̻̿͌͜͠ṯ̶̖̟̤̄̀̈̇̑͛͛̉̏̕ ̷̡̩͖̻̼͎̥̱̟̙̰̼̼̉͑͆̉̽̿͜i̸̼̩̪̙̤͉̩̍̎̎͛̊̒̃͂̓̀̓̚͜͠ň̶͙͔̦͚̤̟̼̱t̶̗̝̜̻̬̝͙̰̂͆͆̔̈̿̕ę̸̳̙͈̯̹̪͍̗͔̞̈̓̆̌͐̏͛̿̃͒͜͝n̴̡̡̲̣͈̲̳̯̺͍̝̤͛d̵̛͖̟̝̟͑̂͒̉͑̈́ ̸̛̞̜̩̜̫̹̲̝̺̳̰̟̻̟̱̈́̎̆̃͋̆̂͝͝t̵̡̡̫̝̹̜̲̻̊̚͜o̸͚͔̱͕͖̥̿̿͗̔,̷̛̪͇̯̜͐̓͐̏̋̄͑̆̃̓̚͝͝ ̵̡̧̨̘̯̹͇̙̠̯͔͇̖̻͍̏͊̎͌̓͛̑̽̆͑͝s̸̢̡̖̪͙̝̼̬̱̮̺̗̱̹̆͛̑͋̃͜i̷̲̬̩̤̮̱̥̹̇͛̈́͒̇̒̌̆͋̇͛l̷̡̡͇̟̼̼̬̗̽͊̔̚ľ̸̪̙̲̘͍̖͓̟̙͂̊͆̐̃̍̌̃̈́̏̈̏̔͠y̵̟̠̱̪̐̎́̔̄͘̚ ̸̣̻͍̟̏̇̎͑̏̾͛͋̌̑͗͘͘͜͝ͅl̷̞͔͙͇̻̝̗͉̟͎̝̠͓̂̈̄͑̇̈́̇͘͠͠ͅͅi̷͖̮̙̠̣̹̱͜͝ͅt̶̙̞̟̠͈̓͑̓̍̈́͊͊͊̑̕͠͝ţ̸̛͙͈̖͍͖͍̟̇̊͊͐̈́͝ͅl̸̛̮̲̯͈̜̖̙̯͚͈̜̟̜̤͎̆e̶͈̖̙̜̲̼̩͈̠͙̋ͅ ̶̭̖̤͊̂̕r̵̡̢̧̘̳̟̭̭͇̺͖̘̱̥͊̐̄̍ȩ̷̨̡̳̺͎̺̹̫͓͙̞̇ͅs̸̛͓̭̃̋̿̐̃͑̽̄̈́͠e̵̤̫̹̲͙̿̃̑̏̃̉͐̚a̸͎̋͒̄̓͗͝r̶̡̢̯̼̝̜͕̺̼͖͇̾̏̈́̈́̋͜͝c̷̞͔̯͍̰̬̺̠͎̤̐̄̊̽̌̍͘͘͘͝͝h̷̳̘̱̟̟͚̤̳̫̯͎̗̍̈͂͛̓̚͠͠ĕ̷̛̠͛̌͊͠͝r̴̟̗̮̞̝̮̖̗̃̆̅̔̃̽̇̆́͋͑̕.̶̢̨̎̿̀͒̈̓͘͝ ̴̧̡̛̪̖̭͙̝͉͈̖̹͉̩̏̎̽͋͊͂͂̍͑͘͘͝͠I̵̮͖̻͋͆̌̔̌̌̀̐̐̈͘͘͝ ̴̨̹̬͙̝͚̔̌͑̈́͂̈́̅͘͘͝͝͝a̶̲̭̮͚̺̮̥͗̅̚͜͝ṁ̶͉̞̖̝͚͉͚̗̬̓̾͗̏̀̉͛̾̿̓̒͠͝ ̴̨̬̤̰̜̜̳̬̪̦̋̆̎̌͛̒͊̄͝͝͝h̶̛̬̤̻̗͎͍̞̟̮͔͚̆̾͜͜ḛ̸̦̖̗̩̯͎̹̏̈́͐͆̃̕͜r̷̨͚͔̙̘̲̳̦̫͚̃͌̽̈͝ȩ̶̩̘̰̣̠͈͓̯͈̯̤͎̜̌̑̓͒͗̋̑̍̕̕ͅ ̸̠͎̮̰͍̱͖͕̺͎̰̞̗̞͛̉̓͋̓̌̉̇͜͝ẗ̵̢̗̞͇̦̣̭̮́̈́̈͂̈̌̎́͜ö̶̯̩̗̫̪̀͑̇ ̶͈̯͇͑̀̏͋͌̇̇̄h̶̡̧̛͖̗͕̲̖͓̤́̇͑̉̆̽̅̃̑̕͜ͅë̴̫̥̗͕́l̴̢̛̛̰͇̦̞͕̻̦͇̱̲̻͊̂̇͋̅̒͗́̒͠ͅp̵̬̠͗̌͌̽͂̈́̒̄̉͒͆̕͠ (Michael:I do not intend to, silly researcher. I am here to help)

Sweet Timothy: I don’t know what you are, but you need to leave us alone.

M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝: O̸̟͙̳̜̬͉̠̹̺̞̳͖̊̅͂͊͒́̿́̈́́̈́͘͘͘ͅk̷̨̡̥̰̮͍̤͖̫̝͓͇̭͌̓̋̔̅͂͌͐̽̈́,̷̢̛̺͙̭̻̞̟͍̹̞̱̊̈͗͒͋̈́͒̾ ̵̧̝̼̪̪̣̤̘̙͕͈̬̱̥̻̏̀̐̈͛̔̃̀̀r̵̩̫̯͓̫͈̠̩̠̭͓̲̓̄̆̒̈́̋̍̔̓̌̋̚u̵̢̨̻̜̳̭͎̬̺̥͑͒̉͋̍͛̑̔͂̑̚d̶̖̪̦̭̹̼͖͈͍̅͊͐̓̀̏̈́͠e̵̳̞̙̯͍̞̝͆̇̿͑̂̓͌̓̒̔̆̕ (Michael: ok, rude)

Monopoly Jon: why would you want to help us?

M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝ A̴̰͎̟̣̪̝̲̫̮̙̰̋̎̽̓̾͌̓̃̈́́̚̚͜ḽ̶͍̻͓͚̳̞̥͍̬̝́̆̅̓̈͂̓̄͒̋͗̚͝͝l̶̢͋̊̾̿̊̈́̏̚ ̵̧͚̜̻̼̺͍̒̎̆̽͛͗̾w̷̗̯̺͍͙͚̝̮̱̓̅̍̈́̋̾̾̚͘͜͝ị̸̛̼͙̻̠̯̳̪̓͒͋̑͑̉̈́̅̕͠l̵̛͇̩͎͖̳̱̽̊̃̓̉̓ͅͅl̴̢̢͕̱̮̦̬̥͚̻͖̰̠͛̄͜͝ ̴̛͈̘̥̳͇̜̤̗̝͍̊̈͒̅̓̍̅̊̀̒̕͜͜͝͠b̴̡̢͔̞̮̝͕̻͉͖̦̈́̑̔̂͘ͅë̵͈̣̜̎̇̈́̓̐̐͆̒̐̑̕͠ͅ ̷̩̤̮͓͓̎͂̊͊̿̕͘ȩ̷̭͚̹̺̥̮̳̫̜̗̰̗̇̄̍̽̈́̐͛̍̊͘͜x̵̛̩͓̥̮̯̜͂̽̓̅̕͝͝ͅͅp̸̺͈̱͈̺͛͗l̵̨͚͕̬̯̠̻̱̳͕̳̪̹̏̔̐͛̆̑͒̇̏͋̔̏͛̕ä̶͖̲̥̝̬͂̒͛̀̓͐͆̏̚ȋ̸̘̭̖͔̱̹̪̮̈́̐n̶̛̠̩̍̌̽̃͑͋̄̓̓͆͆̇͠͝ẹ̸̜̘̬̒̑̾͝d̴̡̯̞͓̳͎̫̩̗̣̰̲̽̊̆͒̑̐͒̃͛̈̿̉ ̶̡͎̍̉̽̕ǐ̴͙͚̣̫͖̣͔̝͓̩̖̓n̵̨̺͇̹̳̩̱̞̠̭̻̯̯̎̅͒̓̍̊̂͘ ̴̘̱̦̟̞̼͚̩̠̯̼̓͑̆͋͑̈́̏͌̈́͌̿̈́d̶̡̬̥̙̞̯͊͛̿̈̓͆͋̍̂͘͠ͅũ̶͇̪̮͇͎̬͖͔͕e̸͇̊̽́͐ ̵̢͔̱̳̭͕̭͓͕̂͜ṭ̵̛̛̜͓̲̹̯̼̮͆̃̉́́͑̃̔̎͛͠͠ĭ̴̪͔̎͒̿̏̄̈́̒̍̆͒̍̑̀͌ͅm̷̛̱̜̏͂̄̆́̆̚̚͜͝͝é̶̛̜̾̈̃.̷̬̣̠̬̪̟̊̽͆̎̎͂͑͗̓͂͠ͅ ̸̨̡̤̱͖̻̖̣͖̋̈́͂̋́̓͐̋̕̚͠  
M̵̧̛̞͓̰̗̟͇̮̻͖͔̤̜̓̈́̂̿́̿̽͘͝i̸͖͚̒́̓̊̒͊̄͠c̸͇̝̣͙̖̅͆̓͛̀͛͆́̒͆͘̚̚͝ḩ̶͇̦̱͇̱̦̠̗͔̫̞͋̚͝a̶̛͚͓̜̽̄͐͆̎̓͠ȅ̸̩̮̜̮̘͈̳͙̖̗̩̠͐̕͜l̸̨̢̨̙̰̞͚͈̫̥̳͔̊̿͋͊̄̓̇̈́̕͘͘͝: Ì̵̗͇̤͚̳͇̥̝͖̤̩̰͒͒̈́̏͆ ̵͙̹̳̳͓̎̐̌͑ͅc̶̙͍̪͍̺̟̃͋͋͆̎̍̅̃͋̀͝͝a̴͍̫̳̫̱͙̝̠͈̰͙͍͛̿͜͝ņ̵̨̝̮̤̻͚̥͉̟̰͔̓̍̊̒͛̚ņ̸̜̰̮̭̺̑͌͋̾͂̆̌̈́͒ͅo̵̝̰̬̲̬͓̣̣͖̫̻̣͎̯̳̽̈́̑͌̈̉̅͠t̴̡̯͖̙̠̝̳̼̲̳̺̬̙͛̆̍́̃̊̓̓͛͘͜ ̸̦̜̝̙̙̘͕͓̝̺̭̭̋͐̅͗̂͒̄̚͜͝s̷̛͍̪̋̑̒̿̊̉̉́͋͠t̴̘̹͎̋͛͑̃̄ă̶̢̗͔̮̼̰͖̫̜̹͓̮̆̎́͌̑̇̍̈̓͘͝͝͝y̵̝̹͙̟̩̥͙̪̏͆͒͗̈́͛͒̄͆͋̊͜͜ ̸̛͉̗͍̎͐̏͒̉͜͝h̴̨̧̛̬̣̖̺̯̳͍͎̱͉̫͖̏̏̊̍̃̂͆͑̈́͋̍̕͘ͅe̷̻̠̭̣͉̼͖̹͗̓̄̅́͗̔̚r̷̨͇̫͈͙͔̩̻͋̐̑̃͗ȩ̴̡̛̣̦͇̝̟̤͙̠̣̗̎̆̑̎̓͘ ̷̻̀̒̑̾̿͋͋͂͝͠ṁ̸͈̜́̀͗̂͗͌͑͑͂̿͝͝ư̵̘͈͈̩̥͉͙̘͖̹͗̓͋̿̂͑̀̕͜͝͝ͅç̶̢̖͍͕͖̫͕͉̱̯͚̲͇͊͘ͅḧ̶̢͇͕͉̺͕̻̺̯̫͎́̌͛͊͐́̎̅̽̃͑̕̚ ̷̰̩̞͈̪͎͖̯̖̃̾̏́͊̂͘͘͝l̴̤͇̎̌ó̴̢̭̣̗̜̮̹̪̗̭̞͑̐͜ň̴̡̯͍̣̝̙͉̦͖̟̣̟̄̌͒͜͝g̵̨̨̦͎̺̱͍͎̯̥͌̃̑̏̿̋̆̇͒͘͝e̸̛̙̿̌͂̈̿̀͑͝r̶̲͇̠̭͇͙̙̞͉͎͕̤̹̆̈̓̃͜͝ͅ.̵̘̠̗̺͚̙̝̺͇͉̘̓̈́̊̚̚̕͝ ̸͚̰̹̠͔̳̩̝̖͓̠̜͑̉͗̉́̀̅̅̎̾͘İ̸͎̘̘́̋̿̎̇̇̕͝͝ ̸̡̯̹̫̥̮̣̮̣̪̯͍̮͙͇͊̔͂̌̈́̈́͊̕͘͘w̶͇̪͓̬͇̹͎͈͌̾͂̾̓̚ï̸͈̦̯̳͔̻̠̦̜̼̬͓͜ͅͅḷ̸̛̦̠̹̙̗͐͐͌̓̅͊̄̇͛̾̃͘̚ḻ̶̛̜͓̲͉̜̗͐̐̉̐̓̉̄͠ ̵̯͎͠g̵̝̩̺͕͒̒͠i̷̙̬͍̪̻̹̮̩̾́̈́v̷̞̺͈̰̩̘̞̮̄͋̅͑͐ͅe̴̛͓͂̂̈́̌̇̽̔͂̉̈̕ ̴̢͈̠̞̜̭͔̰̤̂̈́͂y̸̲̻͆̎̆̒͆̅̌o̵̧̫͓̜͕̺̖̻̟̮͚̊̏̊͑̑̓̽̉̈́̎͊͠͝͝ų̸͎̝̜͓̜̘̪͖͓̞́̽̇͑̈́̈̈́͛̿͝r̸̭͈̺̮̳̻͎͇̆̈́̄̑̉͝͠ ̴̱͈͙̈́̅͑̈́̌̿̈́̿̏̒Ş̷͙̘͔͓̻̗̩̗̺̤̗̇̿͆͛́͛̎ͅȁ̵̝̻̰̘̠͚̖͈̲͓̬͕̆̍̿͑̄̍̚ͅs̴̢͍̜̟͌͋̋͑͌̈͆͂̀͋͂̌͝h̴̳͚̓̓̾̒̍̿̑ã̴͚̟̦͂̌̎̏͝͝ ̸̛͉͈̳̰̤̥̒̔̽̎̅̆͒͊͐͘͜b̵̧̡̡̻̗͕̰̘̼̗̝͍̹̬͐̉̀͋̓͐̾͘̚͝͠ạ̴̢̖͕͈̳̬̟̩̗̟̳̞͔͓͂͝c̸͉̣̠̣̱̒̎̿̔̕k̷̜͚̬̠̽̈́͜͠͝ ̶̨̨̛̗̰͇̖͖̞̖̝̪͙̜̌̃̽͗͋͊̌̆̌͗͛s̷̨̨͕͖͕̲͖̖̔̈́̍̓̿̊͑̈̃͊̂͘o̴̧͍͙̮̳̳̮̝̙̮̩̒͑͒͑̎̐̈́̒̇́̿̑̃͋̚ͅò̴̧̼͔͎̰͙̬̯̳̱̠̞̣̓̈͐̍̑̊̍̽͂͜͠n̸̡̝͚̝͐̓̌̃͜ (michael: i cannot stay here much longer. I will give your sasha back soon) 

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry nothing bad will happen to any of them I prommy


	5. yahtzee.?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody. This chapter was based on nothing but the dream I had the other day where Elias sacrificed me to the distortion but Michael decided to take pity on me and we played Yahtzee. Also at the end of the dream, he turned into a centipede for presumably very sinister reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was originally going to be the last we see of Michael for a good long while, but seeing how much you guys liked him I think I might throw him in a little more often. I can't say no to you guys 
> 
> although as much as I would love making him a Permanent member of the chat, if I added every character I liked it would get far too convoluted far too quickly.

Timothy stoker has added Martin Blackwood to the chat   
Timothy Stoker has added Jonathan Sims to the chat  
Timothy Stoker has named the chat Well Shit  
Timothy Stoker has changed his name to Shaken Tim 

Shaken Tim: I have shaken Timothy syndrome 

Martin Blackwood: where’s Sasha? 

Shaken Tim: her phone exploded lol she’s getting another tonight

Jonathan Sims: please tell her I am going to authorize the purchase on institute funds  
Jonathan Sims: although it was irresponsible for you to risk yourself like that, you shouldn’t have to be out of pocket because this “Michael” exploded your phone 

Martin Blackwood: that’s very nice of you, but won’t Elias be mad?

Jonathan Sims: frankly, I don’t care. I have some choice words for that man

Shaken Tim: a spill that shit Jonathan 

Jonathan Sims: no.

Shaken Tim: Anyways let's get those full names OUTTA here any requests

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Mortin 

Mortin: really?? Mortin???

Shaken Tim: listen. My best friend just got eaten by a magic door and then spit back out with an exploded phone   
Shaken Tim: give me a break on this one 

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Worlds Okayest Boss 

Mortin: Tiim

Worlds Okayest Boss: I wish I knew how to use this.  
Worlds Okayest Boss: your naming conventions are frustrating.

Shaken Tim: and I’m glad you don’t 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I feel that we should discuss the things that Sasha has learned. They seem rather important if this ‘Michael’ was telling the truth.

Shaken Tim: what, abt the dice?

Worlds Okayest Boss: what dice. 

Shaken Tim: idk she came in and was like. Mumbled something abt Yahtzee and told me to put these in the archive storage and she handed me dice 

Worlds Okayest Boss: she neglected to tell me about any Yahtzee.

[8:42 PM]

Timothy Stoker has added Sasha James to the chat   
Timothy Stoker has changed the chat name to Funky Fresh And Family Friendly(ish)

Sasha James: sashas phone is officially back in business  
Sasha James: I mean not really, it’s a brand new phone   
Sasha: the other one exploded but you get it 

Shaken Tim: names changing time again  
Shaken Tim: mine has expired and Sasha needs a Fresh One

Mortin: can I also get a new one 

Shaken Tim: no haha I like Mortin 

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to Unshaken Tim

Sasha James: very creative 

Unshaken Tim: question   
Unshaken Tim: did you win at fucked up michael Yahtzee???

Sasha James: I... think? 

Worlds Okayest Boss: yes, I would have preferred to have heard about that as well

Sasha James: I wasn’t exactly in the headspace to give a full distortion Yahtzee breakdown   
Sasha James: I gave you the bare minimum, I can give a statement tomorrow 

Worlds Okayest Boss: fair enough. You’re sure you don’t want to take off tomorrow?

Sasha James: I mean it’s not like I got stabbed or something lol

Unshaken Tim: ok YES cool but did you win Yahtzee 

Sasha James: he SAID I won. It wasn’t exactly the most concrete game of Yahtzee I’ve played  
Sasha James: I got a Yahtzee but it was like.. all zeroes. Like blank dice   
Sasha James: sometimes he would roll and there would be less dice than before 

Unshaken Tim: all I need to know baby 

Timothy Stoker has changed Sasha James nickname to Yahtzee Sasha 

Mortin: what is it with you and those names

Unshaken Tim: I think they are funny <3  
Unshaken Tim: don’t be careful and you’ll be gay Martin again 

Worlds Okayest Boss: again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally ran out of my backlogged chapters so updates might be a bit slower but I promise yall won't be having to wait like weeks for new chapters like a few days tops


	6. Yes I googled it they have Mountain Dew in england

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mountain Dew, Elias hate and cat custody I dunno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really reaching for topics on this one, my lovely bitches and hoes

Mortin: I have tried my first Mountain Dew today  
Mortin: an unpleasant experience to say the least 

Yahtzee Sasha: how is it unpleasant? :(

Unshaken Tim: dude you like Mountain Dew? Why???

Yahtzee Sasha: it tastes good I dunno 

Mortin: it feels like it’s biting my mouth 

Unshaken Tim: yeah pretty much worst mouth feel I can think of  
Unshaken Tim: it tastes like if glass was a liquid 

Worlds Okayest boss: I can imagine I wouldn’t particularly enjoy it, then.

Mortin: oh, you haven’t ever had any??  
Mortin: you’ve gotta try it, it’s terrible  
Mortin: hold on I’ll bring you some

Unshaken Tim: hold on great idea alert 

Timothy Stoker has changed Martin Blackwood’s nickname to Martin dew 

Unshaken Tim: eh?

Yahtzee Sasha: I liked Mortin better

Martin dew: I didn’t, I’ll take what I can get

Worlds Okayest Boss: I have decided that Mountain Dew is.. alright? I suppose  
Worlds Okayest Boss: also, Tim, I would appreciate if you could stop doing that weird thing with your hands every time you came into my office

Unshaken Tim: what, the dice roll walk?  
Unshaken Tim: I cant understand why anyone would dislike it 

Yahtzee Sasha: youve done it every time you walk into a room today it’s weird

Martin dew: it always feels like you’re reeling up for an attack or something 

Unshaken Tim: special Elias edition where at the end I pull out a glock 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I would greatly appreciate if you didn’t talk about shooting our boss at work

Yahtzee Sasha: see, this is why you’re just the Okayest boss 

Unshaken Tim: tell me you wouldn’t wanna see me dice roll clock his ass

Worlds Okayest Boss: not appropriate.

Unshaken Tim: Jonathan you look like an evil librarian don’t talk to me like that  
Unshaken Tim: someone would be like can you show me the history books and you would like push the case over on them 

Martin dew: TIM HE DOES NOT LOOK EVIL

Yahtzee Sasha: AHAJAJAJADHKSJ

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m honestly not even sure what I’m meant to do with that 

Unshaken Tim: just live with it baby 

Yahtzee Sasha: DO ONE FOR ME 

Unshaken Tim: hmmmm ok  
Unshaken Tim: like equally librarian but like nice. Angel on the shoulder librarian  
Unshaken Tim: would help the person Jon crushes with a bookcase out of the rubble 

Martin Dew: well now I’ve got to know mine 

Unshaken Tim: damn right you do  
Unshaken Tim: you look like the kid who would tattle on you in elementary school but then you just grew out of it and smoked a lot of weed

Worlds Okayest Boss: I don’t understand your judgement whatsoever 

Martin dew: I didn’t get called evil, I’ll take it 

Yahtzee Sasha: aw we ran out of people so fast :( I was rather enjoying it

Unshaken Tim: I’ll be here all day, folks 

Martin dew: Elias?

Worlds Okayest Boss: what is it with you lot and Elias today 

Unshaken Tim: he looks like a lawyer but the kind that only defends sex criminals 

Martin Dew: LMAOOO WHAT YOURE KINDA RIGHR

Yahtzee Sasha: Tim I am losing it over here

Worlds Okayest Boss: you know what? I’ll let that one slide

Unshaken Tim: anyways there are important matters that must be discussed

Martin dew: ?

Yahtzee Sasha: GAME NIGHT TUESDAY APPROACHES

Martin dew: it’s still thursday?

Unshaken Tim: yeah, but we still need to decide what we’re gonna play silly 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it this week.

Yahtzee Sasha: really?? :(

Unshaken Tim: when would YOU have something to do on a TUESDAY NIGHT 

Martin dew: you can’t keep working so late :( it’s not good for you 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m not working late, I’ve just got.. hm  
Worlds Okayest Boss: how should I say this  
Worlds Okayest Boss: I’ve got custody of the cat?

Unshaken Tim: you’ve got WHAT of the WHOM 

Yahtzee Sasha: JONS A FATHER AJWBSIWH

Martin dew: ! :))

Unshaken Tim: as excited as I am about this; what does it mean for Game Night Tuesday 

Yahtzee Sasha: ive has an epiphany 

Worlds Okayest Boss: do tell.

Yahtzee Sasha: is your cat alright with company???

Martin dew: oh holy shit 

Worlds Okayest Boss: yes, he quite likes people

Unshaken Tim: JONS HOUSE GAME NIGHT FT CAT???

Yahtzee Sasha: fuck yes 

Martin dew: Jon, is that alright with you?

Worlds Okayest Boss: I don’t see why not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also found out that they don’t say “glock” in England but I decided to keep it anyway. ANYWAYS GAME NIGHT SUGGESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS


	7. rating employees with jonathan sims

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The most self-indulgent and out of character chapter yet, ENJOY!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jonmartin supremacy, sorry i didnt post for a few days I got lazy

Private message from Timothy Stoker to Sasha James

Tim: do you feel like Jon and Martin have like A Thing going on

Sasha: oh no definitely 

Tim: like we’ve had the Martin theory going since Jon got the job and it’s basically confirmed at this point BUT

Sasha: but?

Tim: I feel like maybe Jon. Yknow 

Sasha: ever since the fabled monopoly Tuesday I feel like he like warmed up to Martin for sure

Tim: but like the question is How Much 

Sasha: I’ve got an idea

Chat: funky fresh and family friendly(ish)

Yahtzee Sasha: hey Jon you know what would be fun

Worlds Okayest Boss: oh no.

Yahtzee Sasha: I think you should rate all of your assistants 

Unshaken Tim: YEAH RATE US BOSS 1-10 

Worlds Okayest Boss: this doesn’t seem HR compliant whatsoever. Or necessary, even

Yahtzee Sasha: I won’t tell come on come on 

Martin Dew: oh boy 

Worlds Okayest Boss: why do I even bother with you lot.  
Worlds Okayest Boss: as assistants or as people in general?

Unshaken Tim: do both 

Worlds Okayest Boss: fine.  
Worlds Okayest Boss: Sasha, you are very qualified for your position and you put a lot of hard work into this job. However, you tend to get way too into monopoly and quite frankly it’s frightening. You said some unkind things. 7/10

Yahtzee Sasha: I CANT HELP IT I GET TAKEN OVER BY THE MONOPOLY SPIRIT 

Unshaken Tim: three whole points for having too much monopoly essence 

Martin Dew: monopoly essence, I like that 

Worlds Okayest Boss: it’s really only more like two points, I’m never rating anything a full 10/10. That’s just irresponsible

Yahtzee Sasha: AHSKEHSJ IRRESPONSIBLE? 

Unshaken Tim: that’s so weirdly in character for you I hate it

Worlds Okayest Boss: Tim. work performance is very good, but it could always be better. You tend to slack off constantly. Also, you have gotten far too comfortable with making fun of me and I feel that you no longer see me as an authority figure. 6/10

Unshaken Tim: you know what? That’s respectable. I feel like I should get an extra point for sexiness though

Worlds Okayest Boss: absolutely not 

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to 6/10 Tim 

6/10 Tim: ok go on

Martin Dew: can I skip out? I pass

Worlds Okayest Boss: Martin. Your work is often lackluster, but you have dedication. A good boost of office morale, and a very good monopoly business partner. You also make very good tea. 8/10

Yahtzee Sasha: EIGHT???

Martin Dew: oh wow

Worlds Okayest Boss: are you satisfied? I’ve played along with your weird little antics

6/10 Tim: very much so, thank you 

Yahtzee Sasha: I feel like if we would have done this two weeks ago you would have given Martin like.. a 3

Worlds Okayest Boss: that was before I considered you all.. somewhat friends 

6/10 Tim: “somewhat”

Worlds Okayest Boss: I hadn’t given Martin nearly enough credit.   
Worlds Okayest Boss: I think I may have been a bit unfair to him

Yahtzee Sasha: a bit?

6/10 Tim: you were a total prick, boss

Worlds Okayest Boss: I suppose so. And I’m sorry, Martin. 

Martin Dew: apology accepted! I guess   
Martin Dew: haha

Private message from Timothy Stoker to Sasha James 

Tim: I’ll admit, I didn’t think your little trick was gonna work but this has absolutely helped this theory along

Sasha: did you see that little display in there?? Holy shit 

Tim: we need a name for this 

Sasha: for what, the topic?

Tim: for the MISSION sash   
Tim: god I would have thought you’d be more used to being my cool spy partner by now 

Sasha: if anything, you’re MY partner, 6/10

Tim: oh that was low  
Tim: I can’t believe Martin got an 8, that bastard

Sasha: Jon’s so biased!! 

Tim: operation... 8

Sasha: no that sucks

Tim: yeah it kinda sucks

Sasha: I’ll think on it and get back to you


	8. Bjork based humor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s time to spin the Martin wheel, folks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gender. Idk that’s all I could think to put in here

6/10 Tim: GAME NIGHT TUESDAY GAME NIGHT TUESDAY

Yahtzee Sasha: BRING OUT THE MARTIN WHEEL 

Worlds Okayest Boss: the what?

6/10 Tim: me and Sasha always fight over what to play so we started assigning games different numbers each week and having Martin pick

Worlds Okayest Boss: so... the Martin wheel. 

Martin Dew: yeah

Yahtzee Sasha: you know what to do marto 

Martin Dew: *drumroll noises* 8

6/10 Tim: CLUE TIME CLUE TIME 

Worlds Okayest Boss: ok who keeps leaving ice cubes on the floor in the break room. Seriously   
Worlds Okayest Boss: either get them into your cup or throw them in the sink seriously 

Yahtzee Sasha: lol did you fall down again 

Worlds Okayest Boss: not everybody has great balance, Sasha. Especially when there are SLIPPERY THINGS on the FLOOR

6/10 Tim: omg this is just like titanic 

Martin Dew: HAJDHS TIM STOP

Yahtzee Sasha: explain all of our places in the titanic universe right now do it. 

6/10 Tim: ok well obvs Jon is the captain righr? Cause he’s slipping on the ice and falling 

Worlds Okayest Boss: you make my life so difficult 

6/10 Tim: me and Sasha are OBVIOUSLY jack and rose 

Yahtzee Sasha: hm. I would try a LITTLE harder to not let you die tragically at the end but that works

Martin Dew: what about me?

6/10 Tim: see I haven’t seen titanic in like 8 years so I’m struggling to remember any other characters whatsoever   
6/10 Tim: I feel like u could be one of those rad violin players who like just kept musicianing all the way down all like doomed and shit

Martin Dew: good enough for me 

Yahtzee Sasha: you’ve passed the test this time, stoker 

Martin Dew: but what GRADE did he get on the test is the real question 

Yahtzee Sasha: C+

6/10 Tim: that’s passing baby 

Martin Dew: wouldn’t it be funny if more stuff was spelled like Björk

6/10 Tim: *walks into Jon’s office* what’s up bjöss 

Yahtzee Sasha: MAJAHDJWUDJ   
Yahtzee Sasha: Bjööbs

6/10 Tim: NICE 

Worlds Okayest Boss: this is all very immature.

Martin dew: come on Jon. I know you wanna do one 

Worlds Okayest Boss: fine. Bjïtch   
Worlds Okayest Boss: ok that was a little bit funny 

Yahtzee Sasha: SEE??

6/10 Tim: SADHA IM HAVING A BJÄBY

Yahtzee Sasha: YOURE GIVING BJÏRTH??

Martin Dew: *elias voice* I’m bjälding

6/10 Tim: ok that was three absolute bangers in a row we have to quit while we’re ahead 

Worlds Okayest Boss: bjängers, you could say 

Yahtzee Sasha: GO JON   
Yahtzee Sadha: DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in the wee hours of the morning and thought the bjork jokes were MUCH too funny


	9. Ah shit there’s worms in here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m semi following the plot for NOW except Martin didn’t drop his phone because I said so

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not gonna be following the events of the show for much longer it’s just. I dunno there’s worms

Martin dew: ok so we’ve got a BIT of a problem

Yahtzee Sasha: Like scale of dog in the archives to house on fire what kind of problem 

Martin dew: why do you ALWAYS have to use that example  
Martin dew: like a worms/10 problem 

Worlds Okayest Boss: excuse me?

6/10 tim: I feel like this ones gonna have a story 

Martin dew: oh it does, folks

Yahtzee Sasha: whenever you’re ready I suppose

Martin dew: ok so. I was going to investigate that statement abt the guy who was like, being haunted by a spider or something?

Worlds Okayest Boss: Carlos Vittery?

Martin dew: YES that one   
Martin dew: so I go to try and talk to the new residents of his flat, right? But no one was answering   
Martin dew: so naturally the next step is breaking and entering 

6/10 Tim: oh yeah naturally 

Worlds Okayest Boss: ???

Yahtzee Sasha: WE NEVER TOLD JON ABOUT THE CRIME JAR

Worlds Okayest Boss: as interested as I am, I think we should let Martin continue

Martin dew: yes please  
Martin dew: ok so there was a window into the basement someone had left open, which I totally almost got stuck in and that would have been absolutely TERRIBLE  
Martin dew: like yes 999 I was trying to commit a crime but now I’m stuck please help   
Martin dew: anyways I’m getting off topic  
Martin dew: I talked to the people living there now, lovely folks, didn’t speak much English 

6/10 Tim: where do the worms come into all this?

Martin dew: I’m getting there, Tim!!  
Martin dew: so I go back to work, meh whatever,, but then I’m like oh come on I gotta do some more sleuthing here  
Martin dew: so I’m on my way home and I stop by again jsut to check,, and I see this. LADY in the basement and I’m like fuck she’s gonna call the police   
Martin dew: and she COUGHED. WORMS AT ME 

Yahtzee Sasha: you don’t think it could be that Jane lady from the statements, do you??

Martin dew: I’m pretty sure it was and I’m not stoked about it but that is not all!!  
Martin dew: so she turns to me, and she’s covered in these nasty holes, it was terrible, I about lost my lunch  
Martin dew: and she starts like sending these worms at me?? And I got this picture, hold on I’ll send it

[photo ID: it’s a blurry picture of a dark room, almost nothing can be made out besides a woman, and something we can assume is probably the worms]

Worlds Okayest Boss: that’s... not very helpful

Martin dew: I almost dropped my phone taking that, ok?? It’s the best I’ve got just. There’s still more   
Martin dew: I’m like fucking weird but whatever, I go home and I zonk out   
Martin dew: I wake up to a knocking on my door, and I check and there’s a WORM  
Martin dew: SNEAKING UNDER MY DOOR LIKE SOME KIND OF LITTLE CRIMINAL   
Martin dew: so. I blocked up every entrance to my house and now I’m stuck in here and she’s still outside my door. So

Worlds Okayest Boss: Christ, Martin, are you alright??

Martin dew: oh yeah none of them touched me, we’re all good

6/10 Tim: I think he meant like, emotionally 

Yahtzee Sasha: yeah, that... doesn’t sound fun

Martin dew: oh, lol  
Martin dew: no I can’t stop crying but I’ve got some banger soup at least 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I... suppose   
Worlds Okayest Boss: we’ll find a way to get you out of there, Martin 

Martin dew: I mean, let’s not worry about that quite yet, she’s... she’ll probably leave eventually, righr?  
Martin dew: anyways I am in desperate need of a distraction can we tell Jon abt the crime jar 

6/10 Tim: only if he promises not to interfere or meddle in any way 

Worlds Okayest Boss: okay.?

Yahtzee Sasha: you gotta promise

Worlds Okayest Boss: ok fine I promise 

Martin dew: every time you have us commit a crime for work purposes we have to put a pound in the crime jar, it’s hidden in the cupboards in the break room

6/10 Tim: also we keep a tally of who does the most crimes each month 

Worlds Okayest Boss: you’re... you’re joking 

Yahtzee Sasha: nope! 

6/10 Tim: I’ve been criminal of the month three months in a row now, I’m thinking about making a little badge 

Worlds Okayest Boss: so what do you  
Worlds Okayest Boss: what do you do with the money from the jar??

Martin dew: we haven’t managed to figure it out yet, if you have any ideas you are welcome to tell us 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I must admit I don’t 

Yahtzee sadha: right now it’s just an indefinitely full jar full of coins 

Martin dew: ok well, the worm woman is making loud and gross noises outside my door so I’m gonna watch mamma Mia as loud as possible and try not to think about anything except abba and her beautiful musical world I’ll see you guys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Crime jar was inspired by that one tumblr post where they have a little crime chart with sparkly stickers on it


	10. Wintershit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tis the season baby! (Note: this is a bonus chapter, and while it is canon in my funky little world it is not chronologically correct. Just pretend this was BEFORE Martin got stuck in his house. Shhh. Don’t worry about it.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven’t posted in so long!! It’s finals time and my brain... nothing in there 
> 
> Anyways enjoy my most rambly chapter yet

Unposted

6/10 Tim: officially doing a holiday party at my house. You are all coming  
6/10 Tim: don’t give me any shit about what you celebrate I don’t caare I don’t care I’m inventing a new holiday. For employees of the Magnus institute only 

Yahtzee Sasha: oh fuck yes new holiday we have to invent our own shit. What do we name it

6/10 Tim: oh baby I’m making a list

Worlds Okayest Boss: why do you always feel the need to do these things 

Martin dew: I think it’s sort of neat and festive! 

6/10 Tim: you are absolutely right martin  
6/10 Tim: oh fuck idea 

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to Tiny Tim

Tiny Tim: fuck yes 

Yahtzee Sasha: is that a reference to a Christmas carol?

Tiny Tim: you know it baby

Worlds Okayest Boss: Tim arent you Jewish 

Tiny Tim: you know it baby, it is not an excuse  
Tiny Tim: anyways here’s my current favorite name idea: wintershit

Martin dew: winter shit?? Really???

Tiny Tim: it’s wintershit all one word

Yahtzee Sasha: I’m all here for this tbh 

Tiny Tim: also known as winterfuck if you prefer  
Tiny Tim: if you intend to be family friendly about it you can just call it the winterstimes 

Worlds Okayest Boss: man ok 

Martin dew: what’s a winterfuck family meal look like Tim

Tiny Tim: idk I just made this up like 30 seconds ago don’t pressure me  
Tiny Tim: I only unleashed this sexy new holiday upon the world I can’t harness it

Worlds Okayest Boss: nope, you’ve brought this upon yourself. CEO of winterstimes 

Martin dew: yeah tell us about the food you eat at wintershit Tim

Yahtzee Sasha: Paint us a picture with your words Timothy 

Tiny Tim: FINE. This is peer pressure  
Tiny Tim: UHHHH  
Tiny Tim: tortellini

Worlds Okayest Boss: tortellini?

Tiny Tim: tortellini.  
Tiny Tim: I’m thinking right. Why’s a holiday meal always gotta have a meat  
Tiny Tim: it’s always abt the turkey. The ham. The pork(?)

Martin dew: I mean, fair enough?

Tiny Tim: fucksmas is all vegetarian  
Tiny Tim: ah shit I just called my own holiday the wrong name, I guess that’s a new alternate name now

Yahtzee Sasha: tortellini has meat in it?

Tiny Tim: FUCK. Ok fucksmas is no longer vegetarian 

Worlds Okayest Boss: you are awful at managing this holiday Tim are you sure you’re fit to be ceo 

Martin dew: to be fair, you’re the one who made him ceo, no take backsies

Tiny Tim: yeah what he said, you think it’s so easy? Owning a Business? A Holiday Business??

Yahtzee Sasha: YEAH JON YOU TRY IT

Worlds Okayest Boss: ok. Holiday colors are blue and black  
Worlds Okayest Boss: done. Are you happy 

Tiny Tim: fuck he’s good 

Martin dew: Jon’s about to start climbing the winterfuck ladder 

Yahtzee Sasha: for a second I didn’t register that you were talking abt the metaphorical corporate ladder and I thought you meant like instead of a tree there’s a ladder

Tiny Tim: OH THATS THE THING NOW 

Worlds Okayest Boss: that seems very hazardous 

Martin dew: what’s the point in holidays if you aren’t gonna have a little hazard 

Tiny Tim: ok it’s clear I need to promote all of you hold on as ceo I have this power  
Tiny Tim: Jon. You are my COO

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m honored

Tiny Tim: SASHA. CFO  
Tiny Tim: fuck I don’t have one for Martin we have to reword the whole system 

Martin dew: I can just be like a general manager or something 

Tiny Tim: NO. Ok so here’s my idea. I am stepping down as ceo and I am nominating my new holiday mascot I’m creating named crumples. We will expand on him later

Yahtzee Sasha: I knew it was only a matter of time before you started making a mascot 

Tiny Tim: crumples is the new ceo. I am the research and development manager  
Tiny Tim: Jon. Marketing manager 

Worlds Okayest Boss: fair enough

Tiny Tim: SASHA. Let’s say finance? Yeah. Finance director 

Yahtzee Sasha: I’m a director but Jon is jusy a manager? I thought you were trying to make this fair smh 

Tiny Tim: SHUT UP. SHUT UP in wintershit LLC it is all the same thing I asked crumples he said so  
Tiny Tim: Martin. Production manager 

Martin dew: what are we producing??? This is so confusing 

Yahtzee Sasha: yeah what ARE we producing 

Worlds Okayest Boss: joy? 

Tiny Tim: yeah!! See Jon’s got the spirit. That’s why I made him marketing director

Yahtzee Sasha: he was just the manager last time 

Tiny Tim: Alexandra Darcy James let me rest 

Yahtzee Sasha: you just got 2/3 of my names wrong 

Tiny Tim: Your actual name isn’t as fun for scolding I made you a new one. Legally it’s your name now 

Martin dew: hey Tim I want a new name give me a new name 

Tiny Tim: my brain is so tired absolutely not  
Tiny Tim: I’m becoming illiterate on purpose. Like asexual but with words

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m like the opposite of that 

Tiny Tim: YOU FUCK BOOKS???

Yahtzee Sasha: I think he was just trying to say he likes to read

Worlds Okayest Boss: well it was like a double meaning because I’m asexual but I also you know. I like books  
Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m not that good at jokes, ok?

Martin dew: I think you’re good at jokes! Also; COOL!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your winterfuck headcannons in the comments


	11. I fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little note for you all!

Side note (will be deleted when I post the next chapter)

Hi! I have decided that the last chapter is actually chronologically out of order and is now deemed a bonus chapter, because in my sleep deprived finals taking fever dream state, I have completely forgotten that Martin was supposed to be stuck in his house because of Jane Prentiss and I completely forgot that was a thing that is going on. So the fun holiday chapter was. Before that. I am just making a little update to let you all know because I am very tired and it is too late to put it in the notes of the chapter because most of u already read it LMAO

so anyways. Happy wintershit everybody I love you and hope you are doing well and I am glad that this fic is making u all happy :)


	12. Your knight in shining khakis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon’s impulsiveness solves the Jane Prentiss situation impressively fast. It’s not permanent but it’s effective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is this feasible? Probably not. Is it funny to imagine? Absolutely it is

Personal message from Jonathan Sims

Jonathan: what’s your home address 

Martin: Why ??  
Martin: oh my god. Seriously

Jonathan: it’s been a week and she’s still out there, I am going to take matters into my own hands

Martin: you absolutely aren’t!!!   
Martin: you are not gonna get mauled by a worm woman just to try and get me unstuck from my house. I’m FINE

Jonathan: I’ve already bought supplies and everything, just tell me  
Jonathan: if you don’t I can easily have tim or sasha tell me

Martin: oh come on, seriously???  
Martin: “supplies?” You are going to give me a migraine 

Jonathan: too bad. Address please 

Martin: no.

Jonathan: ok 

To: Funky Fresh And Family Friendly

Worlds Okayest Boss: does anyone have martins home address 

Martin dew: oh my god.

Tiny Tim: yes why

Worlds Okayest Boss: going to break him out of his house 

Yahtzee Sasha: I WANT IN 

Tiny Tim: texting it to u as we speak 

Worlds Okayest Boss: ok, do you both want to help and if so does anyone know how to drive a car

Yahtzee Sasha: absolutely, I do

Tiny Tim: no but I could come for moral support 

Martin dew: guys I am serious, don’t you dare come here. Do not  
Martin dew: you’ll just be putting yourself in danger for no reason 

Worlds Okayest Boss: we’ve got plenty of reason   
Worlds Okayest Boss: ok, here’s my plan. It’s a terrible plan but I am open to suggestions

Tiny Tim: we’re gonna get you outta there Marto, and JUST in time for wintershit fuck yes

Worlds Okayest boss: ok so. I’ve bought some fireworks, don’t ask where but I have them. Tim, I’m gonna need you to light them, toss them at Jane and then run away as quickly as possible 

Tiny Tim: FUCK YES WE ARE COMMITTING ARSON ON THIS FINE SUNDAY EVENING 

Martin dew: god fucking damn it 

worlds Okayest Boss: and then while she’s distracted, I’m gonna bust in martins window and get him out. With what? Not sure yet. Something heavy and sharp probably 

Yahtzee Sasha: I’ve got one of those tiny hammers for breaking car windows so you don’t drown!!

Worlds Okayest Boss: yes perfect, thank you Sasha  
Worlds Okayest Boss: and then we all get the fuck out of there via Sasha, who will act as our getaway driver 

Tiny Tim: when are we doing this?

Worlds Okayest Boss: I was thinking immediately 

Yahtzee Sasha: I can get on board with that, fuck it 

[8:50 pm]

Martin dew: thank you guys. I think I forgot to say that earlier since my house was on fire and the lot 

Tiny Tim: yeah my bad   
Tiny Tim: but seriously, anytime 

Yahtzee Sasha: I mean, maybe not ANY time, that took it out of me for sure but. We love you martin, we’re glad you’re safe.

Worlds Okayest Boss: hopefully the damage to your house is... minimal. 

Martin dew: it’s whatever, I got all my favorite stuff out of there and that’s what matters

Worlds Okayest Boss: I will say, you are a terrible packer   
Worlds Okayest Boss: three jumpers that all look exactly the same and a mug shaped like a frog, but you’ve still got to borrow my toothbrush 

Martin dew: hey, it is NOT my fault YOU decided to start throwing fireworks at my house unannounced

Yahtzee Sasha: sure, you’re grumpy in retrospect but you sure weren’t when Jon was shoving your suitcases into the trunk of my Nissan all heroic like   
Yahtzee Sasha: getting all freaked out when you cut your hand on the window as if you haven’t been under attack via worm lady up until this point 

Tiny Tim: your knight in shining khakis <3 it was truly touching 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I will admit, I should have given you a little bit of warning

Yahtzee Sasha: also he let you stay in his flat, come on 

Tiny Tim: and I hear you’re borrowing his toothbrush

Yahtzee Sasha: YEAH HIS TOOTHBRUSH MARTIN

Tiny Tim: THATS SO GROSS COME ON CUT HIM SOME SLACK MARTIN

Martin dew: yes. point taken

Worlds Okayest Boss: I’m going to buy him a new toothbrush tomorrow, don’t insult me  
Worlds Okayest Boss: What, did you just want me to let him have gross unbrushed teeth? That’s just wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh baby we are getting plot divergent in the chili’s tonight


	13. Special holiday chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some fun winterstimes shenanigans, happy holidays my lovely bitches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t like organized religion. Solution? Make my OWN holiday

Tiny Tim: Jon and Martin you are late to my cool and good party 

Sasha James has changed her nickname to Punctual Sasha

Tiny Tim: every minute you are late I add a new tradition. Come on guys clock is ticking 

Worlds Okayest Boss: it is not my fault Martin is taking unnecessarily long to get his things situated 

Martin Dew: theyre your keys!! They are not my keys that we can’t find!!!!

Worlds Okayest Boss: you were the last person to use them and you know it 

Martin Dew: I know IM not the one who lost them because if I HAD been the last one to use them I would have put them in the BOWL that I bought!!! IM THE ONE WHO USES THE BOWL JONATHAN

Worlds Okayest Boss: I did not ask for you to buy the bowl and all it does is take up space on the table 

Martin dew: it wouldn’t be a waste if you would USE it 

Punctual Sasha: Jesus Christ guys when’s the divorce 

Tiny Tim: new tradition. Everybody has to bring a Sacrifice For Crumples and whoever appeases him gets a special surprise hidden in their home 

Worlds Okayest Boss: do I want to know what a special surprise from crumples entails. 

Tiny Tim: gift card 

Martin dew: Jonathan sims!! Why and how did you leave your keys in the REFRIGERATOR

Punctual Sasha: WHO CARES JUST GET HERE 

Timothy Stoker changed Martin Blackwoods nickname to Truant Martin 

Worlds Okayest Boss: alright alright no need for harassment 

[12:36 am]

Tiny Tim: EVERYBODY NAME UOUR FAVORITE WINTERFUCK PARTY MOMENTS NOW GO

Truant Martin: why would we need to do that you were there 

Tiny Tim: because the author is running out of ways to incorporate scenes where all the characters are talking to each other irl cmon Martin get with the program 

Punctual Sasha: we need a good ol highlight reel for the readers 

Worlds Okayest Boss: please stop breaking the fourth wall if you don’t this is gonna get weird FAST

Tiny Tim: point taken asf, I’ll start   
Tiny Tim: I like how Jon felt the need to go on about how terribly written hallmark movies are for 25 minutes UNTIL he cried at the end of one with the exact same plot as the other 2 we watched right after it 

Punctual Sasha: bonus memory is when Martin went to go “get him a glass of water” and then I found HIM crying in the kitchen

Truant Martin: THE CALLOUT WAS ENTIRELY UNNECESSARY 

Worlds Okayest Boss: wait, why were YOU crying?? The movie wasn’t even good I’m just mentally unwell 

Truant Martin: I don’t know, you were crying so I started crying 

Punctual Sasha: Christ, how does you two living together even work out 

Tiny Tim: according to the fact that the Blackwood sims household now has FOUR kettles? It is about to work out better than ever before

Worlds Okayest Boss: I don’t understand how you two didn’t stop to think about it at ALL. You both got Martin the exact same thing and were like oh yes, all done, so glad I’ve got this squared away 

Punctual Sasha: you have no room to talk, mr notebook and scented candle 

Tiny Tim: weak ass gift game Jonathan 

Worlds Okayest Boss: okay I got him PLENTY of other things, I just couldn’t wrap them, alright?   
Worlds Okayest Boss: Do you know how hard it is to make things surprises when someone lives at your house and also works at the same place as you??? It is DIFFICULT.

Punctual Sasha: point taken 

Truant Martin: also in his defense, I did need a new notebook. The other ones sort of burned when you guys set my house on fire 

Tiny Tim: You know what? That’s fair.

Worlds Okayest Boss: I think my LEAST favorite part of the night is how Tim decided it was necessary to try and hide my things from me every time I left the room 

Tiny Tim: not my fault you were feeling so prone to pissing tonight, boss 

Punctual Sasha: please never say that again. Please 

Worlds Okayest Boss: seconded

Tiny Tim: oo marto you the only one who hasn’t given us a fun memory come on tell us tell us 

Truant Martin: I loved all of the memories because you are all my dear friends 

Punctual Sasha: booooooooo that sucks 

Tiny Tim: GROOOOSSS 

Truant Martin: FINE. Fine. I thought it was funny when Tim set Sashas hair on fire 

Worlds Okayest Boss: you screamed like a child, Martin 

Punctual Sasha: that added to the comedy of the moment, cmon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not mean to get sappy but I just wanted to say in the spirit of The Holidays... thank you all so much for all the lovely comments and kudos you’ve been leaving. I genuinely enjoy all of your little quips in my comments and I love engaging with you all and I just am having a great time with this fic in general. I love my stupid little community I’ve built in here and I have you all to thank. Happy late wintershit and I hope you all have a lovely day


	14. Mother fucker I’ll get to that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WiFi’s out! Added that bit because archive was down when I was writing it so I was like ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is anybody else craving arbys rn? Could rlly go for some of that

Tiny Tim: hello Magnus institute employees I have two very important announcements 

Worlds Okayest Boss: important enough to be texting them here instead of doing your job? 

Tiny Tim: mother fucker I’ll get to that

Truant Martin: ok harsh 

Tiny Tim: I meant it in a semi friendly way 

Punctual Sasha: I thought we were past semi friendly by this point 

Tiny Tim: yeah well Jon started it 

Worlds Okayest Boss: technically you started it, since you’re on your phone when you should be working.

Tiny Tim: MOTHER FUCKER I’LL GET TO THAT   
Tiny Tim: ok so announcement one I need a new name as the season is over   
Tiny Tim: does anybody want to step forward

Sasha James has changed Timothy Stokers nickname to Stupid

Truant Martin: get his ass Sasha 

Stupid: what is with the workplace hostility today geez  
Stupid: however I don’t have any better ideas so for now stupid it is 

Punctual Sasha: ok but can you get to the other part now 

Stupid: fine ok  
Stupid: SO Jonathan. If you weren’t so busy playing with your tape recorders in your weird little crypt of an office you may have noticed:   
Stupid: WIFI IS OUT 

Punctual Sasha: I’ve tried everything, not one functional computer 

Worlds Okayest Boss: well, that isn’t convenient   
Worlds Okayest Boss: Martin, why didn’t you tell me?

Truant Martin: I didn’t want to interrupt!

Stupid: I like how quickly the dynamic shifted for Martin in the past like.. month. He’s winning 

Punctual Sasha: if this happened when Jon was homophobic he would have been like ah fuck the internet. Must be martins fault 

Worlds Okayest Boss: will you guys please stop calling me homophobic 

Truant Martin: if this had happened when Jon was mean we just wouldn’t have told him 

Punctual sasha: ok true 

Stupid: I mean to be fair it’s not THAT relevant, I jusy was like oh well and went back to filing

Punctual Sasha: I’m just narrowly missing putting more coins in the crime jar for cyber crime reasons 

Worlds Okayest Boss: did you guys ever figure out what you’re gonna DO with all that?? 

Truant Martin: yeah the jar is almost full what are we gonna do then 

Stupid: crime bucket?

Punctual Sasha: I am NOT supporting a crime bucket once it’s full we just need to commit to a purpose for the jar money 

Stupid: I say we put it into a sock and make a crime sock and kill Elias with it as a weapon

Truant Martin: ok to be fair I feel like it would be extra charged with all the crime energy and we would probably get away with it 

Worlds Okayest Boss: Martin I feel like you’re going to kill me in my sleep should I be concerned 

Truant Martin: I’m not saying ID do it 

Stupid: no definitely if one of us was going to commit 1st degree murder it would be me and I recognize this 

Punctual Sasha: it’s just very hard to decide what to do with the crime jar money as well because I have no idea how much a mason jar full of coins adds up to

Worlds Okayest Boss: I suppose itll remain a mystery then 

Truant Martin: I JUST realized my shirt has been backwards all day 

Stupid: I noticed I just didn’t say anything

Punctual Sasha: we wanted to see how long it took for you to notice

Worlds Okayest Boss: I told you this morning and you said “no it isn’t” and wandered off

Truant Martin: I hadn’t had any caffeine yet ok it was your fault for assuming I could comprehend anything at that point in the day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if updates are a bit slow! I am, running out of ideas a bit  
> But I’m not stopping! My brain is like a little kid in a rolling chair that they’re trying to roll but their little legs are too short to reach the ground so they’re just kind of scooting along, but it is scooting nonetheless


	15. Pottery class??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn seems a little gay to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another jmart heavy chapter because I’ve got those guys on the brain baby

Stupid: *muffled sounds of gorilla violence* 

Worlds okayest boss: what the fuck are you talking about

Stupid: have you guys never seen that joke

Punctual Sasha: no???

Stupid: well now I CAN’T explain it this makes it like 99% funnier 

Punctual Sasha: Timothy you make every day just a lot weirder by saying the things that come to your mind 

Worlds okayest boss: honestly I’m just surprised Martin hasn’t used this opportunity to misidentify more animals because he knows it makes me upset 

Truant Martin: it’s not as funny when it’s not in real life because I don’t get to see your eyebrows do the funny scrunchy thing 

Stupid: ok, care to explain?

Worlds okayest boss: Martin likes to call animals by the wrong names to annoy me.

Truant Martin: I was just spicing up the sort of normal zoo experience and making it a bit more interesting is all

Punctual Sasha: you took him to the zoo?

Personal message from Sasha James

Sasha: HE TOOK HIM TO THE ZOO???

Tim: holy shit he took him to the zoo 

Sasha: ok something’s gotta be going on right? This is not the classic roommate experience is it

Tim: and they were roommates...

Sasha: oh my god they were roommates. let’s compare evidence 

Tim: number one we’ve got general husband like bickering   
Tim: two we’ve got the constant jumper borrowing on Jon’s part

Sasha: three there’s the zoo and also the pottery class incident 

Tim: we still don’t know for sure if Martin was AT the pottery class WITH him though. 

Sasha: I’m telling you I heard him in the background of the phone call I’m fucking telling you Tim. They were both taking a pottery class TOGETHER I know they were 

Tim: ok, no need to get feisty  
Tim: I’m abt to conjure up this cool trick called human communication 

Funky Fresh and Family Friendly 

Worlds Okayest Boss: well he’d never been to one where you can touch the jellyfish before. It’s essential to the human experience 

Truant Martin: they were very cool jellyfish. You could just poke them and everything 

Stupid: didn’t you guys also go to that pottery class one time? Where are you finding the time to do all this stuff mr Jonathan workaholic sims 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I wasn’t GOING to go to the pottery class, Martin forced me to go and it was awful

Truant Martin: oh whatever, you loved it and it was so fulfilling and it made your heart grow three sizes like the grinch

Punctual Sasha: Jon the pottery grinch 

Worlds Okayest Boss: yes it was very fulfilling, I’ve made a shitty vase that I keep in the closet because it’s not even a good enough vase to keep anything in 

Truant Martin: I thought she was lovely!!

Worlds Okayest Boss: you laughed at her Martin. You laughed at my creation 

Stupid: this isn’t related but do you guys ever think about how Sarah Paulson is a 40 something year old woman married to a 77 year old woman. That’s bonkers right

Punctual Sasha: I mean, celebrity couples have weird age gaps all the time 

Truant Martin: do they????

Worlds Okayest Boss: who is Sarah paulson

Stupid: from bird box??? 

Worlds Okayest Boss: I haven’t seen that 

Punctual Sasha: oceans 8

Worlds Okayest Boss: haven’t seen that either

Truant Martin: American horror story. The one you think sounds funny when she cries 

Worlds Okayest Boss: OH OKAY

Stupid: why have you not seen any movies

Truant Martin: hes also never seen home alone. He’s got issues 

Punctual Sasha: HOW IS THAY EVEN ACHIEVABLE AS A HUMAN 

Stupid: I am taking this information personally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason Jon hasn’t seen any movies is because I haven’t seen any movies and I kin him. Anyways I am running low on chapter ideas so if anybody’s got some! Feel free


	16. Bees???

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two bs of the archives. Bees and bible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, have an unedited chapter I wrote in between scenes during theatre rehearsal today, enjoy! 
> 
> Ps, I don’t actually know anything about the Bible bc I’m not Christian at all, and I just have a passing interest because i think some of it is funny

Worlds Okayest Boss: I am so sorry to interrupt but I’ve GOT to tell you all about Daniel 

Punctual Sasha: what are you interrupting?? The chat is literally silent 

Truant Martin: whos Daniel???

Worlds Okayest Boss: Daniel from the Bible 

Stupid: pardon?

Punctual Sasha: Jon is converting to Christianity 

Worlds Okayest Boss: no I’m not  
Worlds Okayest Boss: I had to do some research for a statement and I’ve fallen down a bit of a rabbit hole 

Truant Martin: statement research that includes you READING THE BIBLE???

Stupid: ohhhh was it the guy who thinks he can see angels 

Worlds Okayest Boss: yes it was now listen. I’ve GOT to tell you guys about Daniel okay?

Punctual Sasha: Daniel away I guess

Worlds Okayest Boss: so apparently after Jesus permadied miracles were way less of a big deal because the apostles were always doing them all willy nilly 

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims’ nickname to Daniel

Daniel: change that I don’t like it. ANYWAY. So there’s this dragon right. In Babylon 

Truant Martin: THERES WHAT??

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims’ nickname to Dragon Daniel

Dragon Daniel: that isn’t better. Anyways yeah there’s a dragon? It probably wasn’t a dragon it was probably just a big fucked up snake but you know. Biblical times and all that

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims’ nickname to Joniel 

Joniel: I have a feeling it won’t get better than that so I’ll take it I guess. Anyways yeah so the people of Babylon worship this (maybe) dragon 

Punctual Sasha: holy shit

Joniel: so Daniel basically makes an old timey bomb and he EXPLODES THE DRAGON. 

Truant Martin: HOLY SHIT?

Joniel: exactly. But then the king of Babylon was like what the fuck you just killed our dragon I’m gonna lock you in a cave for 7 days 

Stupid: wow they rlly liked doing that didn’t they 

Joniel: and so he’s in the cave righr. It’s called the lions den. And so elsewhere there’s this guy and he’s called Habakkuk   
Joniel: and an angel comes and is like yo!! You gotta bring your food to my guy Daniel he’s gonna starve 

Truant Martin: a whole ass angel?? 

Joniel: yes and so. Habakkuk is like I totally would but who is Daniel and where is Babylon   
Joniel: and the Daniel is like no worries. And grabs this guy BY HIS HAIR. AND FLIES HIM TO BABYLON

Punctual Sasha: the prequel to Uber Eats 

Joniel: and so they just like chill. And eat and the angel flies his ass back and then the people go to look for Daniels corpse and he’s like hello. Guess who is alive through the power of Christ.   
Joniel: and that’s that 

Stupid: WOW. They really liked killing folks back then huh. Seems like it happened to just about everybody 

Truant Martin: ok not to interrupt the Bible talk but there are BEES in the ARCHIVE

Punctual Sasha: bees plural????

Joniel: in the archive?????

Stupid: how many bees?? Like is it an alarming number of bees? I’m omw for backup I need to be mentally prepared for these bees 

Joniel: im also coming 

Punctual Sasha: girl I’m allergic to bees no thanks 

Stupid: I’ll keep you updated on the bees situation sash 

Truant Martin: it’s not that many bees it’s just 2 I think

Joniel: that’s still an above average amount of bees compared to the usual 0 in the archives 

Stupid: ok martins got one with the cup paper trick, one bee down   
Stupid: oh I just NERFED the other one you should have seen it, ONE smack 

Punctual Sasha: bees are good for the ecosystem Tim :( cmon 

Truant Martin: that’s what I said!!!

Stupid: uh oh hold on surprise third bee emergency give me a moment 

Punctual Sasha: whoops   
Punctual Sasha: why is Jon shouting. I can hear it from the breakroom   
Punctual Sasha: is this about the bee.  
Punctual Sasha: why are you guys laughing at him what happened??

Joniel: Martin got stung by the secret third bee 

Truant Martin: no worries Jon is just a drama queen about it 

Stupid: oh my god let me paint you a mind picture about this one Sasha 

Joniel: I WASNT being dramatic, bee stings can be a serious thing 

Stupid: so we’re all gathered around the bee cup, which is still in here by the way   
Stupid: I’m like aw yes bee problem solved, Martin is whining because I killed a bee

Truant Martin: they’re endangered Tim :( 

Stupid: AND THEN. This third bee comes out of ABSOLUTELY nowhere   
Stupid: stings Martin directly on the forehead, Jon freaks the fuck out 

Joniel: I did not freak out 

Truant Martin: yes you did

Stupid: so Martin is trying to calm Jon down, I’m laughing my ass off, Jon is like pacing 

Punctual Sasha: now I’m kind of glad I wasn’t there this sounds very chaotic 

Stupid: I didn’t get to the best part cmon, you guys are such story interrupters   
Stupid: so the bee got stuck in martins hair and I had to get it out, so I was like just trying to do a bee removal sort of procedure and meanwhile Jon is like MARTIN DO YOU NEED AN ICE PACK MY SWEET PRINCE

Truant Martin: he didn’t call me that!!!

Joniel: I did not call him that. 

Punctual Sasha: man,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been loving y’alls chapter ideas! I forgot the usernames I’m so sorry but both the Jon infodumping as well as the bees in the archives were ideas from you folks at him so! Thanks!!


	17. The Skin Painting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Due diligence and all that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for no posty!!! You know big snow storm and all that you’ve all heard 
> 
> Also the return of just putting together a board game and a day of the week and calling it a joke

Punctual Sasha: you guys know The Skin Painting

Joniel: I wish I didn’t, go on 

Stupid: wait hold on 

Timothy Stoker has changed his nickname to Genius

Genius: I was gonna take that fucking awful skin painting to some sort of art bitch so I could get it appraised and maybe see where it came from   
Genius: but then I thought WAIT. Sasha do you wanna come with so I don’t have to sit in a car alone with that thing 

Punctual Sasha: he’s taking too long point is. ARCHIVAL STAFF FIELD TRIP!!!

Truant Martin: !! :) omg 

Joniel: that doesn’t seem like a very productive use of our time

Timothy Stoker has changed Jonathan Sims nickname to Uncool Jon 

Sasha James has changed Martin Blackwoods nickname to Cool Martin

Genius: HEYO SAME BRAIN!!

Punctual Sasha: Jon you have to come. It’s a majority vote and you have lost 

Uncool Jon: I’m literally the one in charge

Cool Martin: somebody is being grumpy today

Genius: the return of homophobia Jon 

Punctual Sasha: didn’t that already happen once? 

Genius: the REreturn of homophobia Jon 

Cool Martin: if you want him to come I don’t think calling him homophobic is gonna help

Uncool Jon: you three have fun, I’m going to stay here if you don’t mind.

Punctual Sasha: WE DO MIND!!! COME ON NN 

Timothy Stoker has removed Jonathan Sims from the chat

Cool Martin: TIM!!! 

Genius: what are we gonna do to convince him??? I suggest we hold Martin hostage. 

Punctual Sasha: good backup plan, Martin can you come up with something better? Since he’s all in love with you and stuff

Cool Martin: yeah I’m already on it hold on   
Cool Martin: wait what  
Cool Martin: HEY 

Genius: we weren’t actually gonna hold u hostage cmon

Cool Martin: you KNOW that’s not what that’s about 

Punctual Sasha: whatever but do you have it covered? Bc I am not letting him get out of this bonding experience

Cool Martin: yeah I’ve got it, how do I add him back

Genius: I have to do it hold on

Timothy Stoker has added Jonathan Sims to the chat 

Genius: administrative privileges babes 

Uncool Jon: fine. But you guys are real dicks about this 

Punctual Sasha: I think that was a new record, Martin what sorcery were u doing over there

Cool Martin: asking politely! 

Uncool Jon: also he said I don’t have to touch the painting 

Genius: ok so martin is on painting touching duty 

Cool Martin: hey I already did my thing, I got Jon to come. One of you two had to touch it

Punctual Sasha: I call dibs on not touching it 

Genius: I hate you guys

Uncool Jon: what are you all even hoping to achieve by taking it to be appraised? Even if you find whoever made it what are you planning to do

Cool Martin: good question actually

Punctual Sasha: we’re mainly hoping to find a way to destroy it since everything we’ve tried so far has just gotten blood everywhere 

Genius: i just kinda wanna get my hands on whatever made that  
Genius: on second thought maybe I don’t want to touch it. But I’d like to have some words 

Uncool Jon: that’s fair enough I suppose. When is this... outing.

Punctual Sasha: we hadn’t really thought this far ahead

Genius: how abooout NOW CMON LETS GO

Cool Martin: actually???

Uncool Jon: if you want me to come you are going to wait until tomorrow

Punctual Sasha: UGH this is why you’re uncool Jon 

Genius: tomorrow is Pictionary Wednesday you fuckhead let’s just do it tonight and get it over with 

Cool Martin: cmon Jon I know you wouldn’t wanna miss Pictionary Wednesday 

Uncool Jon: fine. You all make my life very difficult 

Punctual Sasha: we know :)

[9:56 PM]

Genius: so why do we all THINK the biggest reason is that we now have a lifetime ban from the museum. I’ll go first: probably all that dang flash photography 

Cool Martin: I think it probably had more to do with the,, blood?? That we got on the floor??? From the skin painting????

Uncool Jon: or the fact that tim constantly talked loudly about how cool he thinks it would be to commit art theft 

Punctual Sasha: maybe it’s that attitude Jonathan 

Uncool Jon: please don’t call me that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter goes out to whoever requested the archival staff getting kicked out of places and also. All my numerous consistency errors mwah

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry it’s so Tim heavy but who doesn’t love a little excessive stoker 
> 
> Comments are ALWAYS appreciated


End file.
